I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
