I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We smell like vodka and hangover
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
