i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
