My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
