I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
