i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
