PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
