You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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