I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I want to be your penis for a week.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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