Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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