So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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