i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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