Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
