Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
