you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
