i love accidental penises.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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