It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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