I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
