i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
