I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
