I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
