I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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