So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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