My Higher Power is John Stamos
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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