we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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