No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
