i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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