life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
