After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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