but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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