I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
