he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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