Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
