i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
