WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
