dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
