life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
