I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All the doctor said was why
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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