Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
