I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
