He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
