he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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