Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
