Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
