i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i think i just lost a toe
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
