I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
