It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
