My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
