she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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