Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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