I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
