Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
