Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He felt like a one man threesome
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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