dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's blow job season.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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