forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
