I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
